What’s That In Your Pocket Or Are You Just …

August 24, 2011 at 6:16 pm
In true ASE tradition I thought I’d take a look at some of the more obscure news websites today, in an effort to bring you one of those ‘strange but true’ items that The Eye is so well-known for.
Nope. Nothing to speak of in the Austrian Times. Unless you’re interested in how a mare managed to get wedged between two spruce trees in the middle of the forest. A bit of a non-story, that one, not even a faint muttering about an eye witness possibly seeing an inebriated Austrian leaving the scene, whilst hastily hoisting up his lederhosen … or something.   
However, the Croatian Times does not disappoint and comes up with a perfect recipe for ridicule via this in depth piece of reporting about a shoplifting event in Slovonia:
A middle-aged man has tried to steal half of a roast chicken from a store in Slavonia in Croatia’s east by stuffing it in his pants. (Yes, you did read that right – although no mention of which half of the chicken had been stuffed. i.e. head end or backside end. We like to know these things. It’s important. Was he ‘giving’ the bird a blow job or was the bird getting it up the ‘no no’)The chicken – previously cut for him by one of the sales assistants (Still no clues there then) – was not amongst the items he gave to the cashier, which first raised suspicions. (Not the fact that he looked as though he’d got a lunchbox the size of Linford Christie’s with steam coming out of it then) The man also seemed nervous and fidgety (you don’t say) as though something was poking him, (oo-er!) the store’s salesperson noted. “I was disgusted when I saw what he had done. I was not sure whether to pity or hit him. (Hit him? Don’t you mean hit ON him – with a package that size who’d blame you) The hot chicken was steaming, (Maybe that’s because it was hot) the paper was all torn (that’ll be all the fidgeting) and everything got glued to the crotch, (Oh purleeze – too much information) and his pants were oily,” (personal hygiene not his strong point then) said one of the bystanders. Local police say that more and more often food is being stolen from the stores. (What! No one was looking in to it? How disappointing .. and what other food are Austrians stuffing down their pants these days then?)
And that was all there was. How disappointing. No mention of the other items that were in the trolley. Surely, the reporter could have mentioned he’d got a couple of veg in there … to go with his meat. No sense of humour, those Austrians.
Come on, let’s show them how it’s done.
Cue assorted hot bird, fowl crotch jokes, etc ….
Oh, and in case you’re wondering what that picture has to do with anything …
think about it. Much better than an image of a bulging pair of steaming trousers, dontcha think.
Max 😉