Next year sees the General Election, and a rout of ZaNuLabour MPs. Released on to the streets with nobody to tax, there is a very real threat that the ex-Treasury ministers might take their quest for a pound of your flesh too literally.

Yes, hundreds of backbench zombies will be hitting a dole-queue near you and keen to find out if they have drained you dry just yet. Luckily some Canadian mathematicians, alert to the danger, have crunched the numbers and think we are doomed.

From the Telegraph: Using models developed to calculate the effects of more plausible pandemics, the team from the University of Ottawa have discovered that unless man struck back quickly and aggressively then they would be doomed.
The scientific paper, which is published in a book “Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress”, looks at an attack by the undead creatures, who infect the living with a bite.

In their study, titled When Zombies Attack!, the researchers picked “classic” slow-moving zombies such as those in Dawn of the Dead as models and divided humanity into three: the living, zombies and the “removed” – zombies who had been killed by decapitation.

David Cameron is said to be plotting a decapitation plan for senior Labour ministers. Is he already prepared for this zombie scenario?

They concluded there was no point trying to cure those infected or live with them – the best thing was to destroy them as quickly as possible.

“A zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly,” they write in the book. “While aggressive quarantine may contain the epidemic, or a cure may lead to coexistence of humans and zombies, the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often. As seen in the movies, it is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

So, to prevent the collapse of civilisation, it is vital that if you see a Labour voter you must hit them hard and often. There can be no cure which leads to co-existence with Labour supporters.

Joe Imad, the study’s co-author, said: “If you look at it in a more realistic way, zombies are about the same as any other major infectious disease, they get out and we try to eliminate them.
“Modelling zombies would be the same as modelling swine flu, with some differences for sure, but it is much more interesting to read.”

Full details of how to survive will be announced on the radio by Absolut-Eye. Keep the vodka ready, lads.