What Type of MP Would G.O.T. Be?

May 17, 2009 at 9:17 am

The GrumpyOldTwat thought that he might as well throw his hat into the ring with regards to this MP meme thing on the basis that he couldn’t possibly do any worse than the current cash troughing incumbents. On reflection though the answers seem strangely familiar . Oh and there will be a slightly alternative, more traditionally G.O.T. version appearing over at my other place just as soon as I can be arsed.

1. Has there ever been an occasion when you failed to notice that you have paid your mortgage off months, possibly years in advance, and just had not realised?
Quite frankly no. I am fiscally astute and therefore know exactly when my 17 buy-to-let mortgages had been fulfilled. However my communications skills are somewhat lacking and I have no idea whether I’ve contacted the Fees Office to cease interest payment reimbursements but I’m sure they will inform me if I have omitted to do so.

2. Does your property contain a moat?
No it doesn’t but I do have a rather large expanse of  water, that circumnavigates my humble 23 bedroom pied-a- terre in rural Norfolk, which is constantly patrolled by a Type 1 Destroyer in order to repel the very same taxpayers that have been so unwittingly generous in providing for its upkeep.

3. Do you think you could in good conscience accept a salary and allowances whilst not actually attending your place of work or office?
This situation never arises. On the rare occasions  when I am unable to attend ‘The House’ I am usually in attendance at the house or somewhere en route between the other 6 houses that I have nominated. Although ‘The House’ is my main place of work I have also nominated the house as my second place of work which means, according to the rules, I am always in the house therefore completing my obligations towards adequate re-numeration.

4. If you were told that it was within the rules to go jump off a cliff, would you do it?
I’ve done it several times although not so much recently. Not since I lost my balance and I trod on the orange that was wedged in Cliff’s mouth and he had to have it surgically removed from his windpipe.

5. Are you able to tell the difference between a room in a house, and an actual house?
Well of course, it’s obvious. A house is large, tax payer funded object which you approach via a long driveway in your chauffeur driven Jagwaur whereas a room is a large expanse of luxuriously furnished living space funded by the tax payer.

6. Are you able to commute a distance under 35 miles for work purposes without the need for an additional house being provided?
Can’t really answer this one because the matter has never arisen. This is due to the fact that my office, as luck would have it, is only 18 paces from my kitchen accessible via a short passage way leading from the utility room. I sometimes have to ask James to move the Jagwaur so that I can sit at the desk but otherwise I find the arrangement quite convenient. Cheap to run too although I’m not sure how much I get from the taxpayer towards the running costs but I dare say The Telegraph will let me know shortly.

7. Do you know what an Iron is?
Yes of course, I have several of these contained in a large bag which is carried by George, my Batman, who will then pass the appropriate one to me depending on where my ball has landed and how far from the whole I am.

8. Is your TV or Stereo likely to need an upgrade in the next 5 years?
Quite honestly no. It’s not really worthwhile upgrading any of my essential audio visual equipment as I have found it  impossible to locate a qualified technician who is capable of doing this. As a result I usually find it easier, more convient and more economically viable for me to order the latest over priced  60inch from John Lewis and have it delivered to my home at the tax payers inconvenience.

9. Do you have a warped sense of humour OR Do you have a helipad?
Ahh now this one is easy. I have both. Many a time I have laughed like a Prime Minister,  on speed filming a YouTube video, whilst popping over to Jersey in my taxpayer funded Sea King to an all expenses paid working luncheon in my capacity as Fees Office watchdog.

10. If you did need two houses to live and work, do you think it possible to designate one as a main home, and stick by that decision for the duration of that employment?
In theory yes but it never quite seems to work like that in practice. The problem is that I have 6 houses to maintain which can become a ‘flipping’ nuisance at times.

11. If you work in a different place to where you live – do you find yourself, or could you envision, eating twice as much food as you would if you lived more locally to work?
Unfortunately I have a rare disease which only seems to affect those who are entrusted with the running of the Country. Its called DietrumGreedicusEatMostest. This basically manifests itself by causing an uncontrollable urge to diet whilst in the work place whilst conversely creating the need replace lacking protein in vast quantities whilst relaxing in the stress free environment of my pied-a-terre.

12. Do you know what a pergola is?
Not too sure on this one. Is it a trick question? As Minister for Sport I don’t follow the football very much so I’m not sure if he plays for Chelsea or Arsenal but I’ll ring my Russian friend on his yacht. He’ll know.