So the Foreign Office have published a list of how to avoid going to jail if you travel to Dubai. The unspoken implication, of course, is that they are a horrendously bigotted bunch of fruitcakes who are oppressing innocent and harmless tourists (go to any bar in Benidorm to see how stupid that idea really is).

Britons in Dubai have been officially warned against dancing, drinking or sharing hotel rooms following a string of clashes with the Muslim authorities.

…or “national authorities” as we used to call them in my day. Why bring the ‘Muslim’ bit into it? It’s a sovereign country (unlike our region of the EU) and can make their own laws. if you don’t like them, don’t go. The broad-brush ‘dancing, drinking or sharing hotel rooms’ part is, of course, sloppy alarmist journalism with the devil residing in the detail.

The British Embassy has issued a formal “don’t-do” list on its website with the warning: “If you want to face possible arrest and imprisonment, ignore the advice.” The list advises against kissing or holding in hands in public, as well as swearing and using drugs. 

Apart from the ridiculously posturing double-negative threat, you’d also get your collar felt in the UK for using drugs. And for swearing too, if there is a policeman about.

Drinking is only allowed in licensed restaurants, pubs, clubs and private venues…

Surely the drinking thing isn’t much different in the UK? My house is a “private venue” and a park bench isn’t…unless swigging bottles of cider hidden in brown paper bags whilst stinking of stale urine has been made compulsory overnight. 

…were jailed in 2008 after being caught having sexual intercourse on a beach in Dubai. 

Yes, try that on a beach in Dorset and you’re similarly nicked, sunshine. The only big diffence between the two countries is the going-for-it-when-unmarried angle, and with a choice of almost 200 other countries for your dirty weekend – if she insists on Dubai then she’s probably too high maintenance anyway.

It’s a bit of luck that we have the Foreign Office to save us from such unfortunate misunderatndings. Imagine how we’d laugh if they did the same to us? Our laws are all so obvious and sensible…

Oh, okay.