Everyone, of course, knows what a witch is. Ragged and wild old woman; misdirects lost travellers, hobbles and cackles whilst saying lawks and is often seen at public executions performing a task impossible to mere mortals – knitting.

Sir Bedevere will also prove to you that they weigh the same as a duck and are made of wood.

Some of them also, it seems, live in Warwickshire.

Two witches descend on an ancient market town – only to be targeted by terrified Christians calling for them to be burned at the stake.

But for dad-of-one Albion and his partner Raven, 39, this is no historical event… it is a 21st Century nightmare.

The couple opened their shop The Whispering Witch in the quaint town of Alcester, Warwickshire, around 15 months ago and claim to have been subjected to a hate campaign ever since.

So who are the nasty people?

“We’ve also had letters quoting extracts from the Bible telling us not to ‘promote the work of darkness’ in ‘their town’. I can only assume this is the work of Christians.

Christians? Ah good, the one religion you can pick on with impugnity and no chance of being arrested or sued or stoned. Christians! Boooo! Hisss!

It’s like living in the 16th century.”

The 16th Century? Except with extra flush toilets, plasma televisions and benefits fraud.

The pair, from Redditch, have been Pagans for years and no longer use their birth names, which they refuse to reveal.

That used to be a classic dodge from the Community Charge. Who are they running away from?

“Things have gotten so bad that Raven has been close to a nervous breakdown,” Albion said. “When she walks down the street, people cross the road to avoid her.

They probably didn’t mean “cross” there. Or maybe they did. Irony?

So, do you think they want money, maybe?

“She’s been to the doctor to get help, the stress is too much.

Aaah, we can all relax now. We’re sauntering into familiar I Want Some Compensation territory. It’s like slipping on an old pair of slippers.

All you need now, chaps, is a good -ism. Perhaps you could start with a small one? Work upwards gently?

“It is pathetic and unbelievable. What we are suffering is racism from people with a 16th century mentality.

BANG! Straight in at the top with racism. Mornington Crescent! Well played, Sir!

“People come and ask us for advice and sometimes they want to be put in touch with loved ones who have passed away,” Albion said. “We can do that through our seances. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn’t.”

Confidence tricksters too…hmmm, wonder if they pay tax on those earnings?

And their proposed local ‘festival’…

“It’s something that could really put Alcester on the map.”

Being put on top of a bonfire has the effect of highlighting your community…oh yes…

The couple have not yet reported the incidents to police

Can’t be that bad then, eh?

This post started out as a light-hearted reporting of a joke newspaper piece.

By the end of it TheEye now thinks they need a good kicking.