There’s an article in the Daily Telegraph today which deserves fisking for its pure wrongheadedness:

David Cameron should admit to watching porn, says Jacqui Smith

The former home secretary, Jacqui Smith, has called on David Cameron to admit that he has watched pornography, in an attempt to start an “honest conversation” about whether adult websites should be more tightly regulated.

Let’s work our way backwards through that, shall we? More tightly regulated…sigh…will they never take the nanny state boot from our throats? “Honest conversation” from Labour? Really? Said with a straight face’n’all? Bugger off.

And Jacqui Smith herself? Let’s just not start. Or rather, let’s start.

Miss Smith Mrs Timney was one of the early casualties of the MPs’ expenses scandal when it emerged that she had claimed for two pay-per-view pornographic films watched by her husband, Richard Timney.

Which is a typing error. It should read

Vile thief Mrs Timney was one of the early casualties of the MPs’ expenses scandal when it emerged that she had claimed everything from £39.99 barbecue to a £2.50 toothbrush holder, a £14 doormat, a £104.56 patio heater for her garden, £369.99 flatscreen TV and £157,631 for a second home which really belonged to her sister. Oh, and two pay-per-view pornographic films watched by her husband, Richard Timney.

There we go, Telegraph; fixed it for you. No charge.

She said that she had seen “shelves and shelves of DVDs picturing women reduced to no more than… their bits. That’s what makes me angry.”

Was this the shelf with remaindered DVDs of the Saw series on? The only way to reduce her bloated carcass to its “bits” would be with a chainsaw too, but that’s just a dream. Of many.

Miss Smith Mrs Timney also contrasted her view with that of her husband. “What’s particularly difficult for me is that I don’t like pornography, and I don’t like what I think it does to men,” she said. “But of course somebody I care a lot about and who cares about me has watched pornography and I have argued with him about it, and he takes a different view from me.”

“I don’t like” so I want it banned. “I don’t like what I think it does” but even though I admit I only think and don’t actually know I still want it banned. “And who cares about me” although possibly not whilst he’s watching sweaty bodies in action on a DVD. “And he takes a different view from me”…through squinty eyes, obviously.

Miss Smith argued in favour of greater regulation

Labour? Check. Regulation? Check. Okay, all present and correct – move along.

And so what of the main thrust (excuse the pun) of the article….that Cameron should admit to doing the five knuckle shuffle?

TheEye has no comment other than to refer you to the immortal words of that great Australian philosopher-king Kevin “Bloody” Wilson, who, in his thought-provoking masterpiece “I Gave Up Wanking” makes the observation:

So if you say you don’t wank,
Your a liar,
And a fool if you say that you do,
So next time you see,
Prince Charles on TV
Remember he wanked himself too

Indeed.