Geordies Reminded To Wear Coats
Pure genius from Northumbria Police:
Police have issued a reminder to Geordies to wear their coats this weekend.
Drinkers in Newcastle are famed for going out without a top layer, and pictures of revellers enjoying a night on the toon in just their party dresses featured in the national press this week.
There are fears that people wrongly-dressed could become dangerously ill if they have to wait for a taxi after a night out. Temporary Superintendent Andrea Henderson said: “People on nights out over the weekend should be aware of the very cold conditions and dress appropriately – bearing in mind that they may have longer to wait at taxi ranks and bus stops.
But for a marvellous kicker and direct from the Who’s Paying For This Dept we learn that:
Last year researchers at the International Centre for Life in Newcastle said they were creating an experiment to see if women in the North had thicker skin than women down South, and could withstand the cold better.
A cynic would propose a direct correlation between skimpy Friday clubbing gear and the slapper potential occurring at the time. Another night passes here with the good burghers of Gibraltar huddling over our stoves, so the natural scientific deduction is that we must be skinless or dangerously transparent.
Do you suppose that this festive missive might improve Temporary Superintendent Andrea Hendersons chances of a permenent commission?
In any event I shall be writing to him seeking advice on how to ensure that my pants are on the right way around.
I’ve unexpectedly forgotten how to wear a hat.
How can I solve this? Is there a government hotline I can call? Does my council have an Equal Opportunities Hat Diversity and Safety Officer who can come to my assistance? Help!
It’s not faaaaaaaaair !
Its not the thickness of the epidermis ..
Its the thickness of the layers of blubber beneath it which makes the difference ..
“Viz” didn’t christen ’em “Fat Slags” for nothing you know .. Lol
I was thinking of this when I read about the “Tax Protesters” who glued themselves to shop doors. Why didn’t the police just leave them there, all night if necessary, and see if they still thought it was a good idea the next morning?
Indeed, but perhaps the researchers were too tactful to spell that out?
I’ve actually been closely involved in the fieldwork of similar studies, but with completely the opposite results.
On a Friday night towards chucking out time, girls are thin, scantily clad and impervious to the cold. The next morning, despite having added at least two inches of fat in every direction they suddenly need to borrow a coat to walk home.
Inexplicable.
I’ve always thought this too. If someone chains themselves to railings then leave ’em there. Bonus points if they’ve swallowed the key because after a couple of days to think about their stupidity they’ll have some “sifting” to do when nature has taken its course.
Walk past ’em. Nothing infuriates a protester more than if you’re simply not bothered. Sitting ten yards away with your sandwiches and a thermos flask full of soup, though, should only be attempted by seasoned bearded-weirdie baiters.
That’s because they now realise that the extra 2 inches of fat are visible, and need the coat to hide their embarrassment…
The slimming effect (and other blemish-reducing qualities) of beer goggles can be a stunning and truly frightening phenomenon.
And I’ve lost some decent coats that way too.
Sorry for posting this one again, but it seems fitting (pun intended)
As you know, ASE (is there an ‘R’ missing somewhere?), my beauteous beloved hails from Geordieland and, apart from being incomprehensible most of the time, has recently lost a bit of weight. This sort of stereotyping makes her feel cross. She feels the cold in Gibraltar, just like the rest of us. May I suggest you inspect Essex Girls in future.
That whooooshing sound is the noise of the point of this post passing you by at speed. I’m having a go at Northumbria Police.
But I suspect you realise that.