Billed by the Telegragh as the ‘world’s most advanced nuclear submarine’ – and that’s probably close to the truth, HMS Astute is currently stuck on rocks off the Isle of Skye. They were presumably stealth rocks.

The skipper, Commander Andy Coles, is today in a unique position in the Royal Navy – knowing specifically that the headcount reduction of 5,000 to 30,000 sailors will apply personally to him. Likewise ‘Navs’ and the OOW. Attempting to transfer men ashore, she ran aground earlier today on a particular rock that the Navy haven’t hit since 2002 and will be floated off at high tide.

The Telegraph mischievously attempts to connect the event with a boozy night just gone by saying that “No one was injured in the incident that happened earlier today. It came the morning after Trafalgar Day, where sailors celebrated the 205th anniversary of Nelson’s victory” which is both nonsense and journalism.

Elsewhere: “Speaking to the BBC last month, HMS Astute’s commanding officer, Commander Andy Coles, said: “We have a brand new method of controlling the submarine, which is by platform management system, rather than the old conventional way of doing everything of using your hands.” Ha! You’re going to regret that quote, sunshine.

Annoyingly the obligatory RN spokesweasel said “There’s no nuclear issue or no environmental issue that we are aware of and no one has been hurt”, although he had to say it because all bearded weirdies are convinced that a small scrape on a nuclear submarine will cause an instant release of canned sunshine or an oil slick on the scale of Matt Damon’s hair.

Argentina, who recently lost to us at a game of ‘Rock, Paper, Submarine’ are apparently now urgently investing in undersea rockeries.