It’s inspired! It’s an act of genius! The Pakistan cricket cheats were never going to be banned from international competition for their blatant cheating and corruption so tonight England’s team has done the dirty on them.

By throwing away their wickets and crashing to apparent defeat, England have deprived Pakistan of the whitewash series annihilation that all the local bookmakers wagered their shirts on.

So for being unlucky enough to win today, the first-born of the entire team are going to end up being fed feet first into a meat-grinder in Karachi by sunrise. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of criminals.

Never thought you had it in you Straussey you evil bastard. Good lad.