Laugh or cry? There was a time when our electoral system was fair and incorruptible. We don’t live in Africa…over here, what went into the ballot boxes was what came out. One Man (before lunacy crept in) One Vote. A property franchise too. Life was much more civilised before the 1832 Great Reform Act. That’s what happens when Liberals are allowed to play with the grownups.

Everyone know how it has slipped. Postal votes. Electoral registration so lax that you need a polling station specifically for number 263, Mogadishu Avenue because there are so many “people” on the roll there. It’s surprising, though, that things have slipped so far it was felt necessary for a pile of crappy tin-pot dictatorships and political basket-cases to adjudicate our General Election.

The 11-strong observation team countries including Bangladesh, Jamaica, Kenya, Malaysia and Nigeria were been in the UK since Sunday to observe the work of candidates, polling stations and the count.  

Where? Which countries again? The main exports of these countries (in order) are appeals for flood aid, dope, spears, colourful stamps and £2.4 billion held in an odd bank account by the late President Osbvfbhe Fwsfwmagubu who died in a recent plane crash.True, we usually get a few countries sending “observers” here, either as a way to find out how to run one themselves or as an all-expenses-paid junket for bored foreign allies who want to compare our brothels to the ones they use back home.

But to actually come to give us a rubber stamp of not-being-them?

One of the teams had “heard about bullying and intimidation” during their tour of constituencies, but they found that “the atmosphere on election day was generally calm. 

If you’re talking about this election then calling someone a ‘bigot’ for asking about people who leave, er, your countries, might count. Prescott hitting someone last time round could also work. Are you spotting a party link there? Yes, they are brought to you by the party which deliberately started a policy of unrestricted immigration in order to boost their core vote – which is presumably why you don’t name them, eh, chaps?

They said: “Voters understood what was expected of them and polling staff behaved in a professional and courteous manner.”

Yes, a ‘X‘ is expected – it’s not tricky, folks. Unless you live in Sheffield, where the only occasion that Opening Times are relevant is for the dole office. But don’t worry, if you’re a mong then you can collect £750 when you pass Go.

Innocent Chukwuma, one of the observers from Nigeria, said the voting system was vulnerable and too open to “abuse and malpractice”, while more staff were needed at polling stations. He added: “No democracy, however old, is infallible.”

Well, Labour Muslim MP and Minister Shahid Malik lost his seat in Dewsbury last night, so tribal corruption obviously needs to up its game for the next time around.

Ababu Namwamba, an MP from Kenya, said he found the system “almost casual” in the way the whole process was so calm and so civil.

Calm? This is England, sunshine. The planet could have been overrun by sentient Candiru fish and we’d still politely queue up to get into Lord’s for the Friday of the first Ashes Test. Over here we don’t have an equivalent of the Mau Mau who’ll kill us if we don’t support them. ZanuLabour haven’t thought of that yet.

The Kenyan said he was surprised that more checks were not carried out to check the identities of voters. Instead clerks in the polling booths trusted the person who is voting to tell the truth. He said: “That little detail is susceptible to abuse. It [the system] is admirable but it is open to abuse. This country has opened up to many people coming in. 

Coming in? Yes, from your country; which means that he’s actually saying I know we’re corrupt but you should be trying harder not to import it from us. You couldn’t make that up, could you?

Sheikh Fazle Noor Taposh, an MP from Bangladesh, suggested that staff in polling stations should demand to see photographic identification from voters. This would ensure that people do not impersonate someone else when they voted. “It should move to a more foolproof system,” he said.

 Great idea!

Oh. Okay then. Never mind. Scratch that idea.

Their full report is out on the 25th May. Can’t wait…