With England all out for 332 and the Aussies 133-8 at tea on the 2nd day of the final Test, thoughts are turning to what the two teams might do to fill their spare time from about Sunday lunchtime onwards.

Faced with the prospect of watching England spend Sunday afternoon driving around Trafalgar Square on an open-topped replica of WG Grace’s beard, Ricky Ponting has asked his Ashes opponents to consider batting with the stumps in this picture to give the tourists a chance.

England are expected to decline, but suggest a compromise of bowling underarm and wearing sponsored blindfolds to prolong the game.

Ponting will be allowed a wider bat in the second innings and also three ‘lifelines’: Ask The Barmy Army, 20:20 and Phone The JobCentre. England have promised to declare at only 10,000 for 2 in return for unlimited use of their opponents’ team credit card for the hotel bar bill.

Don Bradman was unavailable for comment.