This story is featured on several blogs, including TheEye’s regular reads of The Lone Voice and Old Holborn. Both give the hat-tip to Raedwald.

The EU has decided that we are all criminals now and these “crimes” will put British subjects on an EU subversives list.

This EU Council decision of 20th January [PDF] on the establishment of a pan-EU ‘criminal’ database includes these ‘offences’. TheEye offers a running total of personal sins.

* Offences related to waste
We threw out the remains of a seven-day old Chinese takeway this morning. (+1)
* Unintentional environmental offences
The Chinese takeaway doesn’t count, but the flatulence does (+2)
* Insult of the State, Nation or State symbols
Ooops, the graphic on this post will count (+3)
* Insult or resistance to a representative of public authority
The EU can go screw themselves. Sideways. With a horse. (+4)
* Public order offences, breach of the public peace
I’d love this blog to count as a breach of the peace but can’t claim this one (=4)
* Revealing a secret or breaching an obligation of secrecy
My flatmate steals my toothpaste and thinks I don’t know (+5)
* Unintentional damage or destruction of property
The destination of the rejected takeaway was intentionally damaged so can’t claim (=5)
* Offences against migration law—an “Open category” (offences undefined thus all encompassing)
Knowing an illegal immigrant…got me on this too (+6)
* Offences against military obligations—an “Open category” (offences undefined thus all encompassing)
That bloke went AWOL from the British Army…aaargh…two for one! (+7)
* Unauthorised entry or residence
And moved to another EU country to escape…three for three! (+8)
* Other offences—an “Open category” (offences undefined thus all encompassing)
Technically this is All Of The Above but I’m only claiming the AWOL guy once (+9)
* Other unintentional offences
Finding an office pen in your pocket when you get home? (+10)
* Prohibition from frequenting some places
TheEye was once barred from a specific pub for the crime of resigning (+11)
* Prohibition from entry to a mass event
Does that pub count as a mass event on a Friday night? (+12)
* Placement under electronic surveillance (“fixed or mobile”—e.g., home, car, mobile phone etc)
Unknown, so giving this no score (=12)
* Withdrawal of a hunting / fishing license
Withdrawal of hunting happened to the entire UK. Bonus points? But still just (+13)
* Prohibition to play certain games/sports
If you regard hunting as a sport then we are comfortably one up again (+14)
* Prohibition from national territory
Given TheEye’s politics, Cuba looks dodgy but never tried hence no point (=14)
* Personal obligation—an “Open category” (offences undefined thus all encompassing)
No bloody idea what this means. (=14)
* “Fine”—all fines, inc. minor non-criminal offence
No, but that’s only because TheEye hasn’t been caught never paying the Telly-Tax. In fairness that deserves a point in all conscience (+15)

WHAT? TheEye has never been in front of The Beak and has no intention of doing so. But 15 ways of getting on this list already?

Can we leave yet, please?