In another twitch from the Führerbunker in the last days of the war, our mad drug-addled leader is sending 874 regiments against Moscow giving us all a free webpage! Woohoo!

An article in the Daily Labourgraph (with this picture…what’s her web address please? Mmmmm) makes for amusing reading:

The Prime Minister has previously hailed the potential for the internet to slash the costs of delivering services by reducing paper forms, face-to-face contact with officials, postage, phone calls and building costs. 

Welcome to the 20th Century you spanner. Most of us worked this out a few decades ago.

He is now set to use a speech on Monday to unveil plans to give every voter a unique identifier allowing them to apply for school places, book GP appointments, claim benefits, get a new passport, pay council tax or register a car. 

Monday? Nothing like trailing a crap speech two days in advance so we get to laugh at it twice. Way to go. So we’ll have *another* database we’ll all be on, and *another* unique number (why not just tattoo them all on our arm – it’s tried and tested technology) so that we can book GP appointments. Booking GP appointments in the past has been a complicated business involving painting arcane runes on a dead kestrel, although TheEye discovered almost by accident (don’t tell anyone) that picking up a phone also works.

Clicking on the “Get New Passport” button won’t get you far either, because this once-every-10-year exercise already involves providing a sperm sample and the left arm of your firstborn in an envelope signed by a priest who hasn’t been accused of molesting farm animals. So don’t bother clicking there.

Marvellously, you’re able to afford a computer and adsl attached to your phoneline but still need benefits. Or handouts taken from my pay-packet, as us people with jobs know it.

The interesting thing is “every voter”. So if you drop off the electoral roll, do you get a new number and a new website? What if you were never on it? What if you are a Muslim woman and the father of the house casts your vote for you anyway? And what happens to Labour councillors in Glasgow? They’ll have voter registration forms for hundreds of dead “voters” which they need to cast every few years…how will they cope with the extra workload of clicking on all of their websites regularly to keep them active? Maybe they can use the time they’ll be saving by not having to pop to half a dozen Handout Centres to pick up all those Disability brown envelopes in all those confusingly different names.

The move could see the closure of job centres and physical offices dealing with tax, vehicle licensing, passports and housing benefit within 10 years as services were offered through a single digital ”gateway”, Downing Street sources told the newspaper.

Closing the paradoxically named “job” centres and other Government buildings sounds very good, which of course is why it will never happen. Government never shrinks – its a fundamental law of nature. Various lobby groups and special interest organistations will claim that it infringes the ‘uman rights of the hermaphrodites with three ears section of society if there isn’t a dole office on every corner, so that is a non starter.

But the proposals came under fire from union leaders who complained that thousands of public sector workers would be made jobless

Oh yes, that as well.

Questions have also been raised about the impact on some older people unable to use the internet.  

Ah, not half way down the Telegraph’s article and the second (after the Unions) special interest wrinkly lobby flexes their old and creaking muscles. Well we can do away with Handout Centres because your free cash can be paid directly into bank accounts. Not got one because you are too old? Get one. Or use your drug-dealer grandson’s account; he’ll like that. Don’t know how to use the internet? Ditto with the grandson thing.

Mark Serwotka, general secretary of the Public and Commercial Services Union, said: ”Cutting public services is not only bad for the public who use services but also the economy as we are pushing people who provide valuable services on the dole.”

Sorry, but TheEye got as far as skimming over the surname (which looks like a bad hand at Scrabble) and gave up at the Union bit. It’s bound to be nonsense. Oh well, I’ll read it so you don’t have to…here goes…right, ignoring the fact that it’s not “cutting” (which would be fantastic) it’s “shifting the deckchairs” (which is slightly not too bad) we’re back at this whole leftist ratchet of moving everyone on to the Government tit as either an enabler or a dependent. So just fuck off.

Among the Prime Minister’s advisers on the drive to put services online is world wide web inventor Sir Tim Berners-Lee.

This is the man who included the unnecessary // in web addresses because it looked funky. And everyone knows Al Gore invented the Internet anyway. So we’ll discount him.

TheEye has had enough. Exhausted from so much hatred. Perhaps Gordoom can spare some of his pills.