Yes, yes, of course this is standard stuff for any Party Conference but the LibDems and MurkySide Plod have just put this online so it’s ripe for a ripping.

Amongst other things they’re not keen on things like “Any firearm” and “Any explosive … (whether in the form of a bomb, grenade or otherwise)“. Unfortunately then the Conservatives issued similar instructions in 1984 it turned out the IRA were too thick to read.

For the good stuff: “Any article made or adapted for the use of causing injury to or incapacitating a person, for example, knives, handcuffs, martial arts equipment, noxious substances, etc.“

Damn! No royphnol or handcuffing to the bed! Spoilsports, eh? Silk scarves will have to do instead.

Also no “powder secreted in condoms” so the BBC reporters will have to smuggle their own cocaine in.

How about “Any item not necessarily designed for harm or disruption but could be used in such a way…..pen knives, letter openers, knitting needles, helium balloons“. No knitting needles? What will Shirley Williams do (apart from dribble and make squeaky noises)?

If anyone can explain how to use a helium balloon for harm or disruption, please enlighten us in the Comments. A nation waits with baited breath (and other oral disorders).