Via The Lone Voice and originally from The Mail we learn that coastguards must now fill out a health and safety questionnaire before going out to save lives.

Called a ‘Vehicle Pre-Journey Risk Assessment’, this marvellous way of getting people unnecessarily dead requires a “reason for journey” and an assessment of current and predicted weather conditions. After detailing ‘actions taken to mitigate risk’ a Yes or No is required as to whether the risk is ‘acceptable’. The weather conditions bit is odd as this applies to rescues involving land-rovers.

This is not the start of the insanity.

In November 2008, coastguards were told that they can no longer use flares during night-time rescue missions as they could ’cause considerable injury’. Despite actually being the best tool for the job, they have been replaced with torches. Why not use candles? Or apathetic glow-worms?

In August 2008, a three-man coastguard crew from Devon were disciplined because they rescued a 13-year-old girl using a boat that had not been passed by elf’n’safety Nazis – and she had been only 150 yards out at sea.

Some spokesweasel from the Maritime and Coastguard Agency spouted an official “it’s all for their own benefit” line, but it’s too pathetic to waste electrons on in any detail. TheEye doesn’t think he’ll be laughing when he needs assistance and these heroes are delayed filling out his precious forms.

The Lone Voice puts it in a more sweary way, which TheEye thoroughly enjoys, but don’t repeat what has just occured here – open his site and find a naked full frontal of Jade Goody as his top article in the office….with your female boss standing unexpectedly right behind you.