So Cherie Blair’s mother has rigged her selection as a prospective snout-in-the trough MP by using made-up postal voters. Quelle sodding surprise.

Situation normal for Labour politicians, but probably the first time they’ve tried it in Calder Valley. It’s the Labour establishment looking after its own.

Waving invisible banners proclaiming “Postal Votes Now,” an enormous throng of imaginary voters rallied in Calder Valley last week to support the Booth candidacy.

“I want to thank everyone in the Imaginary Community for turning out for this great cause,” said Mrs Booth, speaking on the steps of the town hall to a reportedly cheering crowd estimated at between 0 and 14 million. “For too long, the electoral roll has discriminated against people on the basis of their existential status, or perceived lack of appearance. That must stop. I promise you that when you elect me, imaginary voters everywhere will enjoy the same rights that they do in other Labour constituencies.”

Legendary political analyst Fuller Sheet said the rally underlined the growing national political clout of imaginary postal voters.

“It used to be that Non-Existentials were mostly confined to a few constituencies and borough council elections, but we’re seeing them more and more in opinion polls and elections around the country,” said Fuller Sheet. “With dozens of public service non-jobs hanging in the balance, the Labour Party wants to make sure imaginary citizens don’t get undercounted in the next election.”

“It’s just smart politics,” added Sheet. “According to the final tally, Mrs Booth carried the imaginary vote by 346% to √-12%.”