The Express has only three headlines on continuous daily revolution: Diana, Immigration and BureaucracyGoneMad. If they had a sister paper in Colorado it would need a pull-out colour supplement to fully take the piss out of the recently released Colorado Department of Human Services Proposed Child Care Center Rules.

It starts harmlessly enough.

ALL PERSONNEL SHALL REFRAIN FROM CONDUCT THAT WOULD ENDANGER THE SAFETY OR WELL BEING OF CHILDREN.

…which is fine. Throwing darts at them is never likely to be a good idea. But it quickly moves into OCD induced madness – there are two pages with multiple points and sub-points precisely dictating precise methods for adult and child hand-washing.

Do you think you know how to raise your child? Well you are WRONG

TELEVISION, VIDEO, AND COMPUTER TIME IS LIMITED TO 20 MINUTES PER DAY UNLESS IT IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.
4. TELEVISION AND VIDEO VIEWING SHALL NOT BE ALLOWED FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF TWO (2).
5 TELEVISION, VIDEO AND COMPUTER TIME SHALL NOT BE AVAILABLE DURING SNACK OR MEAL TIMES.

So wrong. You know nothing about how to raise your own children. Do you, for example, have this at home?

EACH INFANT AND TODDLER CLASSROOM SHALL HAVE AT LEAST ONE (1) SET OF 6 OR MORE SOFT VINYL OR PLASTIC
BLOCKS.

SCHOOL AGE BLOCKS AND ACCESSORIES
A. EACH CLASSROOM SHALL HAVE AT LEAST TWO (2) SETS OF BLOCKS WITH A MINIMUM OF TEN (10) BLOCKS PER SET.
B. EACH CLASSROOM SHALL HAVE A VARIETY OF AT LEAST FIVE (5) ACCESSORIES FOR EACH BLOCK SET. THE ACCESSORIES
SHALL BE STORED WITH THE BLOCK SETS AND SHALL BE REPRESENTATIVE OF PEOPLE, ANIMALS, TRANSPORTATION ETC.

Worse still, you are certainly racist. There is no doubt of that.

DOLLS SHALL REPRESENT THREE (3) RACES.

And because you didn’t transport your child to nursery in a solar powered yoghurt pot, the global worming you have personally caused need to be deflected by more regulation:

1. The center must obtain the parent or guardian’s written authorization and
instructions for applying sunscreen to their children’s exposed skin prior
to outside play. A doctor’s permission is not needed to use sunscreen at
the center.
23. When supplied for an individual child, the sunscreen must SHALL be
labeled with the child’s first and last name.
3. 4. If sunscreen is provided by the center, parents must SHALL be notified
in advance, in writing, of the type of sunscreen the center will use.
45. Children over FOUR (4) years of age may ARE ALLOWED TO apply
sunscreen to themselves under the direct supervision of a staff member.

Read that bit again – the suncreen SHALL have both the child’s first and last name on it. If it has only the Christian [aaaaargh, religious bigotry alert!] first name or surname on it then you are a BAD PARENT and probably a TERRORIST as well and must be SHOT!

Rules and regulations are one thing. Even as manic and overbearing as this nonsense. Even as terrifying and oppressive as we’ve got here. But at least there’s one thing you can’t regulate…human interaction and politeness…

CHILDREN SHOULD BE GREETED INDIVIDUALLY AND PLEASANTLY UPON ARRIVAL AND DEPARTURE

…oh

“In the beginning, God created idiots. That was for practice. He then created School Boards.”
– Mark Twain