Great stuff from TheEndive:

A spy swap agreement was finalized with Russia to day to deport 10 alleged Russian spies in trade for the recently exhumed body of Chess legend Bobby Fischer.

“The Russians have been very cooperative,” said Undersecretary of State for Political Affairs William Burns, “They wanted to get their boys out of trouble, and they particularly wanted to secure the return of Anna Chapman because she’s hot.”

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev confirmed his country’s interest in the return of Chapman.

“Most of our women are a little, how-you-say, butch,” said Medvedev, “We risked a lot when we sent one of our few attractive women to America as a spy. We’ll do anything to get her back safely – even dig up the rotting corpse of a Chess Grand Master.”

Burns described the deal as a “win-win” thanks to intense interest in repatriating Fischer’s remains.
“The United States Government has been damn near paralyzed by the number of paternity suits brought by people who think they are Fischer’s kids,” said Burns, “Any yutz who can play more than one Chess game at a time thinks he or she is related to Bobby Fisher. Now, we’ll finally have his DNA.”

President Obama also expressed excitement at the opportunity to retrieve Bobby Fischer.

“I’m excited at the opportunity to retrieve Bobby Fischer,” said Obama, “Here’s a man who hated America, hated Jews, loved socialists and made a lot of people feel inferior. I just want the chance to shake his worm-infested hand. He made me the man I am today.”